Forgive me for forgetting
by Trainee Hero
Summary: Admiral Janeway dreams of Chakotay.


I don't own any of the characters in this story. They belong to Paramount. I'm just using them for non profit entertainment purposes.

**It's All Coming Back To Me.**

Kathryn walked into the kitchen of her house, her white hair catching the moonlight that came through the crack in the curtains. She didn't have to switch on the light,there was enough moonlight, plus she knew her way around like the back of her hand. After all,she'd lived in this house since _Voyager _had returned over a year ago. She shuffled over to the sink, her slippered feet making almost no noise on the tiled floor and set the empty glass on the draining board. The night was warm and the glass had left condensation on her hand so she reached across the counter for the towel. She closed her hand around the fluffy softness and brought it over to her, her hand and the towel passing through the sliver of moonlight.

_Chakotay! There's something in the woods! _Kathryn gasped and dropped the blue towel as if it burned.

She took a deep breath and picked up the towel. She hadn't thought about New Earth in a long time and now she remembered why. Thinking about Chakotay was too painful. She just kept thinking of his body, lying there in sickbay just as _Voyager _entered Earth's orbit, his once dark hair completely grey, his bronze skin lined and dry, dying of old age. She'd begged him not to leave, pleaded with him, told him that they were home now and could go for a moonlight sail on Lake George, the _real _Lake George, if only he would hold on just a bit longer... but he hadn't. And she was alone. 

She walked into the living room and switched on the light. She wasn't going to sleep tonight, despite the late hour. She hadn't even cried at the funeral, she'd already cried herself dry the day before as she'd packed up his things.

Kathryn sat gingerly down on the sofa and leaned her head back. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She should have taken flowers to the funeral. She shouldn't have run out of the florists. She should have stood her ground when she'd seen the roses when she'd walked in. She shouldn't have started crying at the sight of them, just because they were like the one he gave her after that alien had pretended it was her father. She should have told him...

_'Kathryn.' _

Her blue eyes shot open and she looked around frantically, her heart pounding. She was going mad, she had to be. He had died. He was dead. He is dead. And she couldn't have heard his voice. She shook her head. He was dead, and she was alone, like he had promised her she'd never be.

_'You're not alone Kathryn.'_

Kathryn gasped. She hurriedly swallowed back any tears that might have fallen and sharply pinched her wrist. It hurt. She did it again. It still hurt. She couldn't have heard him, but she just had. It wasn't possible! She had to be dreaming, she had to be. She ran to the kitchen to splash some water onto her face to try to wake herself up. What she saw made her stop so quickly she was sure she'd have whiplash.

Chakotay was there, translucent and ghost-like, handing a silver pocket watch to a ghost like version of herself. They were both young again. Her hair was still auburn, his was still black. The ghost of herself smiled and hugged him, mouthing a 'thank you' into his ear. He returned the hug with a full dimpled grin following close behind it.

Kathryn remembered that day. It had been her birthday and he'd given the watch to her after the party in the mess hall had finished and they had gone back to her quarters. The watch still worked, it was ticking away on her bedside table. She blinked and the ghosts were gone. The tears she hadn't realised had fallen were quickly wiped away. She had to be dreaming. She was dreaming, she was dreaming, she was dreaming...

Kathryn saw the memories of Chakotay that she normally held in check flow back into her conscious mind and play out in front of her. She saw herself beating him at pool at Sandrines, eating dinner with him in her quarters and talking until late into the night, them standing together in her ready room before they engaged the Borg, him rubbing her shoulders on New Earth and brushing the faintest of kisses into her hair just before she stood, twining their fingers together across the dining table... She hugged herself and ran back into the living room, closing her eyes, determined not to cry, trying to forget again, trying to stop the pain.

_'Kathryn.'_

Her eyes flew open and she whirled around as she felt the hand on her shoulder. He was standing there, smiling at her, looking just like he had on New Earth, on the night he had told her the 'angry warrior story.' His dark eyes sparkled with life and his hand felt solid and warm through her thin nightdress. Kathryn jumped back from him, the tears now flowing freely. _'He's dead! He can't be here!_ _You are dreaming. He is dead!_ ' she thought as she desperately tried to rationalize the situation. She knew she must be dreaming, because this was impossible. She'd held his hand as he'd died, how could he be here?

He took her hand and pulled her to him, enveloping her in his strong arms. She stayed rigid in his embrace, refusing to give in to the illusion her subconscious must have created, even though part of her just wanted to wrap her arms around him and let him hold her. Instead she made her only movements the shaking's her sobs caused. The illusion kissed her forehead and whispered her name in her ear, his hands massaging her back tenderly, trying to comfort her.

She finally managed to lift her head to look him in the eye. He looked so real. He felt so real. He even smelt real. Yet she still refused to give in, because she had held his hand as he had died and _this could not be real! _

"Kathryn, please stop fighting me." he said, his hand moving up to push her hair back from her face and tuck it behind her ear. "Let me be here for you."

Kathryn swallowed and stepped back. She wanted to believe, she wanted him to be real, but she knew he couldn't be. She looked him up and down. His dark eyes bored into her and grabbed onto her heart. And suddenly what could and couldn't be didn't matter any more. She threw herself into his arms and held on tight. His arms wrapped around her, crushing her to him. He buried his face into her hair. They both breathed in the scent of each other.

Kathryn pulled back and stared at his face. She ran her finger over the lines of his tattoo and then down over his face. She poked the place beside his mouth where she knew his dimples were. The contact caused them to appear. She smiled back, but something nagged her. The thought caused her smile to vanish.

"Why did you leave me?" she asked. "Why did you leave me for Seven?"

His smile disappeared and a sad expression replaced it. "I...I thought you wanted me to move on. I tried to with Seven. She... She really admired you, she copied you. She tried to become just like you. I couldn't have the real you and ...I just gave in to the only substitute that came close."

She looked away from him. "I see."

He spoke again. "I knew it was wrong, that it wasn't fair to either of us, even when I married her. I was actually thinking of leaving her...but then she died."

Kathryn looked back at him, her eyes questioning him.

"I wanted to be with you, but I didn't want you to think it was just a rebound relationship. So I waited. But then when I tried to talk to you, you were so... withdrawn. I thought you didn't want to be with me. So I didn't push it. I'm sorry."

Kathryn smiled grimly. "So once again I am the cause of my own isolation."

"Kathryn,don't say that." "It's true though, isn't it? I kept myself alone on _Voyager _because I was the captain, when I should have been more than that. I've kept myself alone here because I don't want to burden the old crew with the past..." He silenced her with a kiss.

Kathryn moaned into his mouth and pulled him closer. Their tongues danced together and against each other. He tasted like heaven. How could she have let him go? She ran her hands over his back and shoulders, desperate for the feel of him. And she could finally fully remember.

They pulled back to breathe. "I love you, Chakotay."

"I love you too, Kathryn. And I want you to remember what I told you all those years ago. You are not alone." She nodded. He smiled and pressed her against his chest and ran his hand through her hair. Kathryn sighed, and for the first time in far too many years, she felt happy. She closed her eyes.

Kathryn squeezed her eyelids tightly together as the light hit them and pulled the blanket closer. She rolled over in her bed and sighed. Slowly, she opened her eyes and took in her surroundings. She was in her room. Alone. It had been a dream after all. She almost cried, but forced back the tears. It was like losing him all over again. She reached over to her bedside table and checked her watch and frowned at the time. It was far too early. She sighed heavily and got out of bed and put on her slippers before going down the stairs to the kitchen. She went over to the cupboard and took out a clean glass. She went over to the sink to fill it with water, but what she saw made her stop.

There on the floor was a fluffy blue towel right where she had dropped it in her dream. It had been a dream, right?

She picked it up and ran the material between her fingers. She smiled crookedly. Maybe...

Maybe he had forgiven her for forgetting after all.

See the little purple button. Please click it and make me happy. Unless it's a flame, then don't.


End file.
